Sam reviews…
Jan.09, 2009, filed under Miscellany
As promised, AVP2.
We open with father and son on a hunting trip. Rather than some harmless herbivore going about its business before being rudely evacuated of its pulse for their sporting pleasure, they end up with a couple of facehuggers and an unseemly short time later both man and boy explode with a whole batch each of our friend Alien babies.
Promising start, is exploding children, with a qualifier.
Yes, yet again, the franchise has seen fit to interfere with the reproductive cycle of what is arguably the scariest science fiction monster ever to grace the screen. Why? Why do they do that? In this particular case they have not only rendered a single face hugger capable of producing several infants from one victim, they also decided to make the alpha alien a cross-breed with the Predator from the original AVP. Unnecessary. Really. At least Alien: Resurrection used the line that it was man’s interference, by way of the cloning experiments, that produced a hybrid. This time the Alien did it for the lulz.
Next we have a Predator drop ship inserting the P of the AVP, and fairly quickly it is clear that this poor bastard is what is affectionately termed a “cleaner”. I don’t know where the viewer’s real sympathies were supposed to lie — although by the end I was pretty much rooting for the Aliens, if only because people that irritating should not be permitted to live — however I found myself in a Johnny Morris frame of mind, mentally providing the unwritten dialogue. Which is entirely the fault of Scaryduck.
Predator: Oh, this is EPIC FAIL. FFS. Kids these days. Can’t manage a simple ritual hunt without getting themselves impregnated and LOOK AT THE MESS THEY MADE OF THIS SHIP. FFS. Now I’m going to have to sort this out and it’s not like I haven’t got better things to do with my time. Jeez. Sewers. Why is it always sewers? FFS. This place stinks. What is it with humans anyway?
Alien horde: OM NOM NOM. Lols!
Predator: Oh, FFS. Get the fuck out of the sewer! Put that down! You don’t know where it’s been! OK. Fine. I’ll just cut your arm off.
Alien horde: Noes!!!!11!!!! Com bak heer! We eats U!!!
Predator: Oh FFS. Now the humans are shooting at me too! Why couldn’t I get at least one, just one decent one. I mean, FFS, those kids were in fucking Antarctica and they managed to find a human that didn’t have its head up its fucking arsehole. Me, here I am in the middle of the fucking USA, and I’m getting shot at! Oh great. Now they’ve got my gun! I hate this shit-hole planet. It is MADE OF FAIL.
Alpha Alien: Heeeee! I hav fownd HOSTIPAL! Ensprogulated laydees! OM NOM NOM. See my Predayshus tentickals! LOLS! I am AWSUM and MADE OF WIN!!!
Predator: And now there’s the inevitable long big punch up. I am getting too old for this shit. I was up for early retirement, FFS.
US Military: Blast off and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
Predator, Alien Horde, Stupid People: Hey! Hicks hasn’t even been born yet, you can’t steal his… Oh crap.
There’s not much good in this movie. I’m glad we borrowed mum’s copy rather than doing my usual trick of picking it up on the offchance because Frood is out for the evening and I need amusement. It’s not even worth analysing the poor characterisation (plenty of that), the crappy direction (Boll does it better, FFS) and the further degradation of two of the coolest fictional species on celluloid.
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Singularity
~something that is singular as (a) a separate unit, or (b) unusual or distinctive manner or behavior; PECULIARITY;
~the quality or state of being singular;
~a point at which the derivative of a given function of a complex variable does not exist but every neighborhood of which contains points for which the derivative exists;
~a point or region of infinite mass density at which space and time are infinitely distorted by gravitational forces and which is held to be the final state of matter falling into a black hole. Sight
