This is very much NSFW.

If only the story were true…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuOvqeABHvQ]

Everyone goes on and on and on about Wallace and Gromit and how fab it is and the Christmas specials and Shaun the Sheep and cheese, but, dude, Rex the Runt!

Awesome. It even has Eddie Izzard!

As promised, AVP2.

We open with father and son on a hunting trip. Rather than some harmless herbivore going about its business before being rudely evacuated of its pulse for their sporting pleasure, they end up with a couple of facehuggers and an unseemly short time later both man and boy explode with a whole batch each of our friend Alien babies.

Promising start, is exploding children, with a qualifier.

Yes, yet again, the franchise has seen fit to interfere with the reproductive cycle of what is arguably the scariest science fiction monster ever to grace the screen. Why? Why do they do that? In this particular case they have not only rendered a single face hugger capable of producing several infants from one victim, they also decided to make the alpha alien a cross-breed with the Predator from the original AVP. Unnecessary. Really. At least Alien: Resurrection used the line that it was man’s interference, by way of the cloning experiments, that produced a hybrid. This time the Alien did it for the lulz.

Next we have a Predator drop ship inserting the P of the AVP, and fairly quickly it is clear that this poor bastard is what is affectionately termed a “cleaner”. I don’t know where the viewer’s real sympathies were supposed to lie — although by the end I was pretty much rooting for the Aliens, if only because people that irritating should not be permitted to live — however I found myself in a Johnny Morris frame of mind, mentally providing the unwritten dialogue. Which is entirely the fault of Scaryduck.

Predator: Oh, this is EPIC FAIL. FFS. Kids these days. Can’t manage a simple ritual hunt without getting themselves impregnated and LOOK AT THE MESS THEY MADE OF THIS SHIP. FFS. Now I’m going to have to sort this out and it’s not like I haven’t got better things to do with my time. Jeez. Sewers. Why is it always sewers? FFS. This place stinks. What is it with humans anyway?

Alien horde: OM NOM NOM. Lols!

Predator: Oh, FFS. Get the fuck out of the sewer! Put that down! You don’t know where it’s been! OK. Fine. I’ll just cut your arm off.

Alien horde: Noes!!!!11!!!! Com bak heer! We eats U!!!

Predator: Oh FFS. Now the humans are shooting at me too! Why couldn’t I get at least one, just one decent one. I mean, FFS, those kids were in fucking Antarctica and they managed to find a human that didn’t have its head up its fucking arsehole. Me, here I am in the middle of the fucking USA, and I’m getting shot at! Oh great. Now they’ve got my gun! I hate this shit-hole planet. It is MADE OF FAIL.

Alpha Alien: Heeeee! I hav fownd HOSTIPAL! Ensprogulated laydees! OM NOM NOM. See my Predayshus tentickals! LOLS! I am AWSUM and MADE OF WIN!!!

Predator: And now there’s the inevitable long big punch up. I am getting too old for this shit. I was up for early retirement, FFS.

US Military: Blast off and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

Predator, Alien Horde, Stupid People: Hey! Hicks hasn’t even been born yet, you can’t steal his… Oh crap.

There’s not much good in this movie. I’m glad we borrowed mum’s copy rather than doing my usual trick of picking it up on the offchance because Frood is out for the evening and I need amusement. It’s not even worth analysing the poor characterisation (plenty of that), the crappy direction (Boll does it better, FFS) and the further degradation of two of the coolest fictional species on celluloid.

On me picking up my sackboy toy (I have no idea where you got it, Munky, I can’t find them anywhere), Frood says:

“Stitch will get jealous and eat him. Hey, he looks suspiciously like Scrump!”

I’ve just stopped the loudtwitter tweeting to this blog. For one it was, well dull. If you want to follow my tweets, well, you can go to twitter. There’s a link over on the right there. For two something has gone wrong with the site and I can’t change my settings, and that bothers the control freak side of my nature.

So. No more loudtwitter. It gave me an excuse not to try to post decent content anyway (assuming that any of my content is ever decent).

Which reminds me. Once I’ve recovered from my first 6km run of the year (puff, gasp, wheeze), I must review AVP Requiem.

Yes, it’s true. I only ever review films that I find very good or very shit. Mostly very shit. But I’m guessing you knew that about AVP2 anyway.

You’ll also notice that the comments are gone. They were being provided by Yaccs, which is no longer doing so (I haven’t bothered to find out why). Until I get around to finding a way to make Blogger do proper comments using SSI, or have redesigned this page so that I don’t have to use SSI for the blog any more, or have switched my blogging platform to something more flexible, or have gone for haloscan instead, you’ll just have to comment on my friendfeed (unless you use LJ, in which case you can comment on it over there, although the posts are only kept for a couple of weeks).

• 17:07 @splinister We’re back to Fife for the New Year. Fill in the blanks yourself. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

• 12:18 Trying to decide whether going for a lunchtime run will put my back out again. Plus, I forgot the watch part of my hrm. #
• 14:15 @andygates Feel guilty! #
• 14:16 @andygates It’s bloody freezing here at the moment. Ice and salt everywhere. Not sure I’d want to swim in that! #
• 17:12 @foolishhouse Why are you amazed and bemused? #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

• 18:14 First stage of soup underway: 4 carcasses but one of them’s a ginormous turkey. #
• 19:20 @andygates I’m not disposing of them. I’m utilising them! #
• 22:35 @foolishhouse I’m already well sorted on that particular front. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

• 12:56 @splinister Yeah, but not a *tassimo*. Blech. #
• 13:05 @splinister You’d think @warrenellis would have better taste, really. #
• 13:12 @splinister Yeah. I think I’m with you on that one, even though I burned my mouth on pizza last night. At least, I *think* it was the pizza #
• 13:16 @amosstruck On the internet. You can find everything on the internet. #
• 18:23 Can you lose your mind if you didn’t know where it was in the first place? Inquiring lost minds want to know. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

• 11:55 An emergency pollution incident? On Christmas Eve? Damn. #
• 13:00 Is now all wet from retrieving bottles of nasty from the river. #
• 13:13 Norad tracks Santa? WTF? news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/7792256.stm #
• 13:27 @foolishhouse Why is there a girl sleeping under your desk? #
• 13:27 By the way, FB folks, I am blocked from FB while at work, and some of us ARE STILL AT WORK. #
• 13:28 @foolishhouse Under the desk I get, but *sleeping*? Surely that means not paying attention. #
• 16:48 It wasn’t really a major incident. Except from the point of view of me getting wet. #
• 18:33 Heading out to parents very shortly. If you’ve got my mobile no., I’m txt/callable. Probably not going to be virtually around otherwise. #
• 18:34 @splinister /sarcasm Nice! What a lovely surprise that must have been. #
• 18:34 Otherwise, peeps, have fun and remember it only happens once a year. #
• 18:46 @splinister I’ll do that. Bro had better turn up or he won’t get his presents! #
• 18:47 @splinister Got that to look forward to tomorrow. Mince pies in batches… #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter