After yesterday’s Catholic quackery, today we have another BBC report about a member of the Church demonstrating more WTFery on a par with the Atlas of Creation.

Father Dino Bottino, the parish priest of the Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Novara, during a children’s mass earlier this month, explained that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

Child: Waaaaaaaaah!!! Woes!!!111!!! Noes!!!1!1!! Need Santa loss support group!
Mother: WTF? Dude! You are MADE OF FAIL.
Priest: No! No! I am awesome. For Our Lord Jebus is MADE OF WIN, and the little kiddies must be told that SANTA is EBIL. He was made up, FFS. Not like Jebus! Oh, and that witch? Befana? She can fuck right off as well. LOLs.
Befana: Noes!!!1! I am MELTING!! FFS.

No doubt our Father Bottino is quite happy to nod enthuiastically to renditions of “We Three Kings” and “Away In A Manger” and all the rest of those sappy carols, not one of which has any literary basis in the Bible, incidentally.

I contend that we are all atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.

Thus spoke Stephen L. Roberts, and every time the Catholics come out with a diatribe against “false” entities the quote springs effortlessly to mind. God himself felt it necessary to state “Thou shalt worship no other god but me,” thereby tacitly admitting that there were other gods. It’s like wilfully mistaking other things for the crown (thereby acknowledging the existence of the crown — Absolutely, series 4, episode 4, War in Stoneybridge).

Santa Claus is, of course, a modern metamorphosis of Saint Nicholas, who is revered amongst Catholics and patron saint of Bari, in Italy, where he is supposed to be buried. So you might want to check your facts there, Father Bottino.

Or, alternatively, just try removing your head from your ass. La Befana is one of those little old ladies in black. You shouldn’t mess with those. Eny fule kno that.

• 10:15 @splinister Sounds peaceful, at least. #
• 12:52 Going to go for a lunchtime run and make the most of the sunshine while it lasts. Must order Stitch toy. Frood will have conniptions. #
• 14:00 No, my back has definitely gone out again. #

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According to the BBC Pope Benedict XVI, bless his little pointy hat, has declared that “saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour is just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction”.

“Rainforests deserve, yes, our protection, but the human being … does not deserve it less,” quipped the tolerance-challenged and hyperbolically melodramatic religious leader.

Really. I’m not at all convinced that passing judgement on what people do or do not do in their private lives, or accusing those engaging in homosexual relationships of sinful activity, will have the same degree of impact on the human species as a whole as, for instance, making sure that all that trapped carbon isn’t released into the atmosphere and the orang-utans still have a place to live. Bumsex versus global warming. Hmmm. Let me see. Celebrity deathmatch?

I don’t think God would be half as much upset about folks engaging in loving relationships of any kind as he would be about the loss of probably millions of his creations — assuming, for the moment, that you believe that God created everything, and I’m guessing the Pope probably does. I suspect that the Almighty is far more concerned about the future of the aye-aye than he is about whether members of a portion of the population are complying with their nature — because, of course, God made them that way, too!

That particular aspect of the Catholic Church’s continuing stance against homosexuality has always confused me. If the Lord God Almighty made everything, then he made gays and lesbians and is probably quite happy with that, and who the hell does the Pope think he is to go around questioning it? Homosexuality exists in very many species. If the bipolar model were so damn necessary we wouldn’t have amoebas, FFS.

If he didn’t make everything then the Bible is fibbing. More literary than literal. Hmmm. Maybe that’s the problem. The Catholic Church has fallen for a spelling mistake!

• 13:38 @foolishhouse Well, it’s afternoon here and I’ve already had three coffees. Trying to chase away the nightmares. Never works. #
• 16:28 Just back from shopping. Aaargh. It’s awful out there. It makes me long for a plague. #

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• 13:08 @splinister Just seen the baby otter pic. Frood loves it. #

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Frood and I are of the Johnny Morris generation: those of us who grew up watching Animal Magic. I assume that’s why we instinctively give animals voices and can tell what they would be saying if they had anything to say. Fuck Ted Andrews: Johnny Morris was the man.

Maura tweeted this photo, which sent Frood into paroxysms of squee.

“Awww it is a cute ickle baby otter. Look at his ottery feet! And his ottery tail! And his ottery face! He looks a bit grumpy. ‘Oi! I are an otter!'”

Yep. Gods alone know what Ted Andrews reckons Otter has to say to us. We come from the Johnny Morris school and know a grumpy otter when we see one.

• 12:30 Looks like @andygates ‘s rock bunneh is sunbathing today. What a change in the weather! #
• 23:58 @warrenellis As I said before, we have a parang. Used. You can’t have it, though. It’s ours. #

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• 15:39 Oh good. I can now have the right eye in for three days straight! #
• 15:44 I am hiding from the weather. #
• 16:27 @andygates The wind equivalent of tepid, methinks. Makes last year’s Dumb Run look like a tropical paradise. #
• 16:28 @andygates I’ve always liked that one too. #
• 23:31 Eddiue Izzard is making me laugh but not cheering me up. How can that be? #

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• 12:09 @splinister Nah. I think I’m finally going to switch to Firefox. #
• 16:08 Probably going to wuss out and drive home, if only so I can go to the pool later. Temperature’s dropping below freezing and it’s very wet. #
• 17:48 Have changed to firefox. Probably about time. But by christ it’s slow. #
• 17:58 Come on, central heating. I’m cold! #
• 18:23 @mbftwit It’s mostly when trying to tweet. It loads fast enough, but typing into the twitter box takes forever. #
• 20:58 Not the best swim session ever, but I can still manage under 8mins for 400m. #

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• 12:17 Trying to work up gumption to go running. It’s raining. I did 1500m in the pool last night (31 mins). Got dr this afternoon. #
• 12:19 Could just leave it and go to gym this evening. Utterly knackered, though. #
• 12:21 So THIS is why Frood can eat so much mashed potato and never put on weight! news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7785118.stm #
• 17:04 @splinister Well, if we *happen* to be in the same place we should see it together so you can laugh at me squeeing over it. #
• 17:04 That wasn’t a euphemism. But gods, he’s hot. #
• 17:12 Just back from the doctor’s appt and feeling depressed. It was as pointless and demoralising as they usually are. #
• 17:12 I should remember: ONLY EVER GO SEE A DOCTOR IF YOU’VE CHOPPED YOUR LEG OFF. They can’t argue with symptoms like that. #
• 17:13 I’M SORRY I CHOPPED MY LEG OFF AND I’M NOT CARRYING A MAP AND COMPASS AND I LET THE DOG ON THE SOFA. #
• 17:15 Pleeeeeeeeeease forgive me! I won’t do it again! And I won’t try climbing Ben Nevis in stilettos and a mini skirt, either! #
• 17:40 @splinister Worst bit is you don’t feel reassured, even if it *is* nothing to worry about. #
• 17:40 @splinister He didn’t look at me closely enough to rule out anything and managed to make me feel I was making an unnecessary fuss. #
• 17:56 Calming down with a weekday splishy splasy (naughty!) before making Thai Green Tofu curry. #
• 17:56 Went for my lunchtime run, after all. #
• 17:57 Buggery arse typoes. #

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